You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
