Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
