I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
I'm really busy with my period
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