Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
