If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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