so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
