Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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