Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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