During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
