Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
