Umm I'm too high to move.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
