I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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