That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
the day after is always just damage control
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
