So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
