i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
