I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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