I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
