genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
