No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
