How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
