Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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