Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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