he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
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You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
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I am available for nakedness
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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