hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
