I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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