I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
