it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
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I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
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Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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