Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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