I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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