Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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