i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
