I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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