I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
