drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
