she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You brought string cheese to the strip club
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
