Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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