I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
