All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
