My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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