i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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