can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
