come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
