dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
