Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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