Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
