People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
