I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
