just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
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You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
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I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.