When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
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