So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me