You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw