Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
where are you?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.