I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
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It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
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Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.