...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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