I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
