you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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