I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
