i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
