I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
